Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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