whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Randomize
