I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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