threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
a search helicopter?!
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
