i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
