Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
