Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize