i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
