I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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