god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Randomize
