Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
YAS. BRING CRAB.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
