No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
I have tasted many bathrooms
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
