I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
Randomize
