do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
