He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
Randomize
