If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize
