headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
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