the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
