Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
