How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
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