Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
Randomize
