Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Randomize
