dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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