Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
Randomize
