dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
Randomize
