that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Randomize
