I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
Can you bring me the toilet please
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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