i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
Randomize
