I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
