Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
