i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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