im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I no longer want to be the gay that plays in the revolving door at RelationshipDale's like a seven year old with a.d.d.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
