Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
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