I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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