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Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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