I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
