Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Vodka?
Forever.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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