I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Randomize
