I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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