Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
