so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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