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It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I'm really busy with my period
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