Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
That accounts for only three of the penises
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
