Pregnant stripper...not hot.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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