no, he came in my armpit
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
