and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
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