I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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