New invention idea: vibrating tampons
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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