just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
This baby is an asshole
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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