we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
