Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
are you so shy because you have an std?
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
my poor anus
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
