Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
