Fine. I'll sleep in my office
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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