I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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