oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
